Kennedy's 8th birthday

I am old enough to have a child be baptized? I guess so. I have been thinking about what day we would have done her baptism, which wouldn't be this weekend because of conference, but most likely the following Saturday...I think the morning would have been nice.

When I was a little girl I was given a handkerchief with a poem talking about the "3 white dresses"...the blessing one, the baptismal one, and the wedding one. Kennedy was also given something to that affect. It was a little rose on a string...a bracelet that could be worn on these three occasions. So Kennedy would have possibly warn that rose on her baptism day (well, I guess if I could have actually found it in time!). But instead she had two white dresses, her blessing and her burial. Some people told me that I could have her wear her favorite clothes, or pjs, or something else. But for some reason I wanted her in white, I guess to maybe look like my new guardian angel...I don't know. But she wore white. 2 white dresses.

I kept very busy today and was trying to focus on potty training Mckinley...but then I went to look at some of Kennedy's little videos and pics this evening with the kids and when I pulled up iPhoto it popped up and said:

"no photos"

my dear computer...today is not the day to tell me that out of the hundreds or more pictures that I have stored on my computer, not one is left...today I just don't have the energy to even comprehend such a loss...please fix yourself so in the morning I don't have to throw you out the window and drive over you multiple times...

Kennedy's six angel day

Oh dear, I have again neglected this blog and will need to catch up again. I really don't know what to do with myself sometimes. I don't know how other's do all that they do but I realize that I am just not that talented or driven sometimes. I get lost and caught up with things...and really half the time I can't even tell what those things were. I really shouldn't be admitting all my shortcoming but its pretty apparent!

Today has been another day of mixed feelings and at the end of the day i wonder how the day has passed. I started the day in not a good mood and was then happily suprised when Ryan ran to the store before work to get balloons so we could do our ballon release before he went on his flight. The kids were so excited and they drew their pictures and we wrote our letters and on the balcony we went. It was a gorgeous sunny morning with no clouds in the sky. We let our balloons go and watched them as they went higher and higher and they were still crystal clear straight up in the sky. When we could see them no more Harrison asked if Heavenly Father had received them now. I hope so.

I received some calls from family and friends, wishing me well, knowing what a day it was. Later on I found on my door step some delicious cupcakes (which are almost all gone, eaten mostly by me I might add) from a dear friend in my ward (who I vt but I find she does more for me then I seem to end up doing for her!) remembering my little Kennedy, whom she never has met. Thank you.

While Mckinley slept I looked at pictures of Kennedy with Harrison and went through some things in her chest that I have here with me. I watched Harrison play with some of the toys and I still cringe slightly but I did enjoy that he and Mckinley when she woke were able to enjoy some of the things that Kennedy did. Later on we watched some little videos of Kennedy that the kids had never seen and that I hadnt' watched for a long time. Too long.

All of this made me sad but not in the way that it used to. I look at the pictures and I have forgotten little things. I listen to her laughing and have to stop to remember that sound. I pick up her toys and try to remember all that she did with it, realizing how young she was when she left. How little of life she knew. It has been six years since I have held her, which seems like a relatively short time but at the same time a lifetime ago. I was always scared of time. Time taking away my memories, my feelings, changing me. But time has come and gone, and is still here. So, I am not sad for her, but even in saying that I feel guilty sometimes. I am sad for what was and sad that I can smile now when I feel like I should just be sad. But I do know that that is not right. I am so happy for her.

I turned on some music later and I danced with the kids and smiled and thought that I need to do this more often. I used to. As I've grown I have become more selfish of my time when it should have been the other way around. The time was slipping away and the kids were put in bed. And again I look back on the day and the impatience, the love, the joy, the sadness, the frustrations, the laughter, the anger, the selfishness, the peace that I felt. So many mixed up emotions in a 24 hour day, it really could have been any day. But it wasn't. It was Kennedy's sixth angel day and she was my amazing little girl and someday I am going to know the person that she will become and she will remember the person that I am, good and bad, and I can't wait!

Already SICK of winter...

And it isn't because of the weather. In fact today was a gorgeous 77 degrees outside...California is in fact great for that! Though we didn't get to enjoy it because we are SICK!

These are the totals so far:

Harrison Mckinley

1 ear infection 1 ear infection

1 runny nose 1 runny/Constantly dripping nose

1 bad wet cough 1 really bad wet cough

2 days fever up to 103.5 5 days fever average 102+

2 throwing up throwing up (I lost count)

lungs-okay but iffy lungs--bad in right lung

1 trip to the doctor 2 trips to the doctor

1 z pack (antibiotics) 1 z pack (antibiotics)

Diarrhea (thanks to the z pack)

You know all this would be okay, really I wouldn't mind because it is the middle of October and kids get sick but the real problem is THIS ALL HAPPENED IN THE LAST 5 DAYS!!!

Okay, no buddy need read on but I just need to vent. Okay so most people get a virus right? Well, yeah the have a fever for a day, cough for a couple days, maybe have a runny nose for a couple days too. MY kids get sick and they get THAT! Why? I really try so hard to keep them away from sickness and do what I can at home, washing hands, try to keep them apart, try and eat healthy, ect...

And I look back and really it would be okay to be sick and do all that. The problem today was This: Okay, so we get the medicine and spend $60 dollars in gatorade/cough drops/vitamins/medicines to try and get them feeling well. So I start to give Mckinley her 1 ml of med. Instantly throws it up. I stop, wait and hour feed her wait and try another 1 ml and she keeps it down. Then I wait and try the last 1ml, throws it up. Call the doctor...she needs it, try and re dose her, gave types on what to do, blah blah, and so I try again. I give 0.5 ml, throws it up, give .3 ml throws it up, don't give any and throws who knows what up...question...when there is nothing to throw up WHY DO WE KEEP THROWING UP!

Anyway you get the idea. By the end of the day I had had it but was dealing with it until I try to give Harrison some tylenol and he...THROWS IT UP! How do you explain to a 4 year old that the reason why you yelled at the ceiling and kicked (the other one, not the one he is sitting on) the chair is NOT because you are mad at him but you are just so utterly frustrated you can't keep it inside anymore?

And believe it or not but it's not the throwing up that I'm having a hard time with, it's the THROWING UP MEDICINE that I can't handle anymore!! EVERYtime I just think about giving Kennedy her oral chemo at home right by the front door, try and blow in her face to make her swallow it and not spit in out and then literally run out the front door into the cold air to shock her into not thinking about the horrible thing I just dumped down her, so she wouldn't throw it up OR pass out because she would stop breathing. I don't even know how to continue with this train of thought.

Maybe its not even that. Maybe I just can't handle when I am trying so hard to do something for them that they need and would help them and it just isnt' working not matter what I do. No tricks were helping me today, and believe me I used them, and they would even work for Kennedy.

Really I think the thing that made me so upset was before I gave Harrison his medicine, I had set Mckinley down for a second after trying to keep some more medicine down and had walked in the kitchen. I was supprised that she even let me put her down because she really hadn't a lot of the day. I didn't hear anything but I turn around and there she was, standing there in her diaper because I was sick of changing her clothes after she threw up. She just stood there and looked at me, to tired to even protest any more and just started gagging. I have never seen her lost all energy, so listless, so void of life before.

Worry.

Worry.

That is what did it I realize. I scooped her up, and held her tight, got her slowly ready for bed, gave her an extra squeeze, made her as comfortable as I could, and nursed her to sleep.

And here I go. I have a hard time sharing how I really feel. This is why I usually can't vent on here. Because when I'm finally done. When I finally realized why I feel the way I do I feel so guilty. I feel so selfish. I just spend so much energy getting mad and angry and frustrated when I, yes I am SO INCREDIBLE BLESSED. I HAVE two beautiful, wonderful, huggable little creations HERE that I can take care of. I am able to be home with them and wipe their runny noses, and clean up after them when they are sick, and take them to the doctor when they need it....I can go on and on and on. But I am just so grateful for them. So. Grateful.

And the only reason why I'm still up and doing this is because I was waiting for the laundry (of thrown up things...) to be done to switch...and don't even get me started on THAT!

Kennedy's 7th Birthday

Yesterday was Kennedy's 7th birthday. It really seems unbelievable that she would really be 7. Was I really first a mother 7 years ago? Could I really have had a 7 year old running around the house?

I usually try to avoid looking at the ages of the kids in primary around that time...it seems more of a grey area is easier for me, but I broke down and actually consciously looked at the class that she would be in, the girls that she would be friends with...It is a small class, in fact it is added to the next class up because there are only 3 girls, 1 only comes sometimes...if she were here then we might consider having their own class, of 4 cute little blond girls. I wonder...she was strong, independent, determined, intelligent...what would she have been like now? Would she be as talkative as those girls were yesterday? I always wonder.

I did have a tender mercy yesterday. I haven't played the flute for years, but they asked me to play with the choir yesterday. The song is in the Aug. ensign and really beautiful. At first I just played the notes but then a week ago I started to read the words, and they were perfect for yesterday. Perfect to honor my little girl. Perfect to always remember where my home really is, where Kennedy already is...waiting.

Come Home

Come Home, the Father calls.

Come home, my child, to me.

Come home, The Holy Ghost will lead you to eternity.

(chorus) Lest we forget our home's with God,

This lovely earth, its seas, its sky

And all things beautiful and true of Heavenly Father testify.

Come home, the Savior calls.

Come home all who'll obey.

Come home, the Gospel guides a long the straight and narrow way.

(chorus)

Come home, loved voices call.

Come home where you belong.

Come home to live in joy forever in our family throng.

(chorus)

I also did sharing time and we talked about our love growing for the Savior as we read the scriptures and I used the example of how Harrison will learn to love his older sister through my journals/pics/stories even though he will never meet her on this earth, just as we will never see Christ on this earth but we learn of Him and His works through the scriptures. At first I couldn't bring her up, but now being able to talk about her and let others know about her helps me because she is still apart of my life, just not many others know it. So if I can share her, she can still help others and will still make a difference in not only my life, but others.

Happy Birthday Little Honey

Kennedy's 5th Angel Day

Yellow

What is the significance of yellow?

I wasn't sure at first...

Yesterday for church I was looking through my closet deciding what to wear. I found a skirt that I love and thought I wanted to wear that. Then I thought it was too warm to wear the sweater on top so I looked for something else. But I didn't feel like anything else and kept coming back to the skirt. So, I wore it...

Today, I was grabbing clothes for Harrison to wear and grabbed a yellow shirt and put it on him without thinking. Then a while later I purposefully found a yellow shirt for me to wear but was sad that I really didn't have any yellow for Mckinley to wear. But as I was changing her diaper she grabbed and outfit that I had recently bought her and she was playing with it and I realized that it was indeed, yellow. So I had her wear it...

Today, when I bought the balloons, I specifically asked for purple, pink, and yellow. We wrote our messages, colored our pictures and let them go tonight. We watched as they climbed higher, the wind blew them forward, and watched and waited until they were gone from sight.

They match the balloons that we released 5 years ago...I walk around at the grave site, I saw all the balloons but I wanted a yellow one, though I didn't know why yet, but I went and waited while they went through all the strings to detach the one yellow one that I wanted, and then added it to the group of pink and purple they gave me to release. I watched and waited as they flew east, over the mountains, till they could be seen no more...

The shirt I wore that day was yellow. The day before I wore the yellow and green skirt that I love, to Kennedy's viewing. The day before that we had driven home to get clothes to wear the rest of the week up at Ryan's parents home. I sat and looked at what I could endure to wear to such a hard thing...and all I came back with was...yellow...but I didn't know why, yet...

And then I realized that a few day's before that (5 years ago today), I held my daughter alive for the last time on this earth, and she was wearing yellow...

And then I realized that yellow is:

Bright, Happy, Brilliant, Illuminated, Intense, Radiant,

Sunny, Light, Aware, Joyful, Golden, Blazing, Spirited,

Intelligent, Strong, Fresh, Brave, Pure

...And that is Kennedy, my Yellow

(Thoughts: Choosing the clothes that we wear is such a simple conscious choice we make everyday, yet unconsciously I was led to Kennedy with my choices. Really, I see choices I make everyday that are colored with her, with my experiences with her. I think about her, I talk about her--sometimes I think I talk about her too much--but then I realize that she is just as alive as my other two, I just don't get to see her, and I talk about the other two so much, that it really is Kennedy's turn. But I wonder how many choices unconsciouly are made because she is close. Because I can feel, her yet consciously I don't realized it...yet? How fitting is was that the last scripture tonight that I read for my normal scripture study was this,

"But little children are holy, being sanctified through the atonemant of Jesus Christ;..." D&C 74:7

Memorial day 2010

Ryan had to fly out this afternoon for a couple days so we really didn't have any big plans. But since we are so far from Kennedy, I thought that I could run to the temple today before ryan when on the flight (it is so nice that it is open today...do they usually do that on Memorial day?)

Also, this morning Scott asked if Harrison wanted to go to the park right by us to use their race cars so of course Harrison was dying to go!

(mckinley and her 1 and 1/2 teeth)

We have a couple remote control cars that he uses but we have to replace the batteries so often they don't work most the time! Now when anything breaks, Harrison always says it needs batteries...he actually caught me praying one time, I don't remember what it was for, but I told him that he can pray when he needs help and he will get help with whatever he needs so he went and said a prayer and he prayed the that his cars would get fixed. (well, I had to tell Ryan to get those cars fixed for him pronto!!)

They had a blast at the park! It finally was sunny and hot this weekend!! Perfect for a holiday weekend! We then went and ran over to A Sweet Affair to get lunch, which was yummy (especially the cookies!).

We ran home to get to the temple in time, but luckily I decided to call to make sure when it closed today and sadly it closed at 2 so we didn't make it :(. I really was dissapointed because I can't visit her grave either. So after we got Ryan off to the airport I took Harrison to Jamba Juice (for dinner...yum!) and decided to drive to the temple anyway. At least we could walk around it. I decided to take my camera to take a pic of the kid there and I'm so glad i did because of this...

Yes, I know that this is just a butterfly...and really it could be a moth for all I know, but I do know this--This was for me! After Kennedy's passed away I had a very special experience at her grave site with a baby bird. Kennedy loved all things living, all animals, and insects were her favorites...really they were her only friends when she wasn't able to play with other kids while on chemo, and call me crazy but I feel she was able to communicate with that bird...

Well, I really don't know how butterfly's normally do things but usually they flutter and fly around and as soon as you get close they fly away again. Well, this butterfly landed right by us and just sat there. We were still for a little while so it wouldn't fly away, but then how do you keep an almost 4 yr.old. and 1 yr. old from trying to get closer?? So Mckinely almost stepped on it and Harrison kept getting closer, cause he wanted to take it home! So it flew off, like you would expect but then it came right back and landed on the cement right by us, now I thought that might happen once,

and then maybe twice but then again? Its not like we were a juicy flower or anything!

Then even though the kids were getting close it stopped leaving and just sat there letting us watch it,

letting us get close and even eventually getting on Harrison's finger...

(I love it, the look of wonder on a 3 yr.old face (notice the jamba juice also on his face :))

So I knew as I saw that sweet bug (yes, sweet and bug in the same sentence) I knew that it was a tender mercy to me, to remind me of my darling Kennedy, that she is still out there, that she is still playing with bugs, that she still loves us.

What is also interesting to note is that I didn't mention Kennedy that whole time (though I thought about it), but driving home Harrison said from the back, "Mom, I miss Kennedy" right out of the blue. So I said, "So do I". And now what I wish I had asked him was Why...I wonder what his response would have been after being at the temple...so thin...so close...

My 6th Birthday

Happy Heavenly Birthday Kennedy Dear,

Happy days are yours the whole year through.

If we had a wish then it would be,

to spend those days together as a Family.

HAPPY 6TH BIRTHDAY KENNEDY!

4th angel day

happy 4th angel day little honey

Happy 5th Birthday Kennedy!

September 26, 2008, Happy 5 year old birthday!

KENNEDY'S ANGEL DAY

So here we are again. It is June 14th for the 3rd time for me. I know I have gone through 29 of them but really in my memory there are only 3. Three years ago today, I was holding my daughter for the last time on this earth.

These are the last living pictures that we have of her, taken 2 days before.

These are pictures of her headstone when we got it put in for the first time (on her birthday 2005). I don't know if anyone is interesting on seeing this, some people may think morbid, but for me this is comfort. Since I am not able to be there this year I am glad that I have pictures. And that I will have other things there and people so it won't look forgotten, she will feel missed. You see her playful cat, her conversing with her bird and then on the back it reads...

Dancing, music playing
Eyes bright shining within

Walking, face enchanting
Laughing though her pain

Fighting, now peaceful
Love surrounds her in our arms

Feet forward
Gone for a moment

Angel of mine,
Now she is home.

Thank you everyone, we couldn't have done it without you.

20 months and 20 days...

Today is a start; Today is new
Yet today I am sad it is true
For two lived to yesterday but only one lives today

My son will run and jump and play
On the 20th month and on the 20th day
I guess that is okay, for one day my daughter
Will do the same
When she reaches her 20th month and 20th day

You see when your first child only lived to 20 months and 19 days, each minute, each hour today is a new beginning and a sad ending.

What will happen that is unique? What books will we read? What colors are the butterflies that we chase? Will he choose the hotdogs or the mac and cheese? How soft is the blanket as he takes his nap? What will he smile at? Why will he laugh?

What will she miss?

Well I guess you could say, nothing important. Because I know that she will grow up, that she will be given her own time. But she will be able to grow up without all that we have to worry about today. So really it’s not what she will miss but...

Can we handle missing her?

I hope so. We hope and pray that you are happy Kennedy and we miss you but I know you will have your 20th month and 20th day and I am doing all I can so that I can be there to see it!