Oh dear, I have again neglected this blog and will need to catch up again. I really don't know what to do with myself sometimes. I don't know how other's do all that they do but I realize that I am just not that talented or driven sometimes. I get lost and caught up with things...and really half the time I can't even tell what those things were. I really shouldn't be admitting all my shortcoming but its pretty apparent!
Today has been another day of mixed feelings and at the end of the day i wonder how the day has passed. I started the day in not a good mood and was then happily suprised when Ryan ran to the store before work to get balloons so we could do our ballon release before he went on his flight. The kids were so excited and they drew their pictures and we wrote our letters and on the balcony we went. It was a gorgeous sunny morning with no clouds in the sky. We let our balloons go and watched them as they went higher and higher and they were still crystal clear straight up in the sky. When we could see them no more Harrison asked if Heavenly Father had received them now. I hope so.
I received some calls from family and friends, wishing me well, knowing what a day it was. Later on I found on my door step some delicious cupcakes (which are almost all gone, eaten mostly by me I might add) from a dear friend in my ward (who I vt but I find she does more for me then I seem to end up doing for her!) remembering my little Kennedy, whom she never has met. Thank you.
While Mckinley slept I looked at pictures of Kennedy with Harrison and went through some things in her chest that I have here with me. I watched Harrison play with some of the toys and I still cringe slightly but I did enjoy that he and Mckinley when she woke were able to enjoy some of the things that Kennedy did. Later on we watched some little videos of Kennedy that the kids had never seen and that I hadnt' watched for a long time. Too long.
All of this made me sad but not in the way that it used to. I look at the pictures and I have forgotten little things. I listen to her laughing and have to stop to remember that sound. I pick up her toys and try to remember all that she did with it, realizing how young she was when she left. How little of life she knew. It has been six years since I have held her, which seems like a relatively short time but at the same time a lifetime ago. I was always scared of time. Time taking away my memories, my feelings, changing me. But time has come and gone, and is still here. So, I am not sad for her, but even in saying that I feel guilty sometimes. I am sad for what was and sad that I can smile now when I feel like I should just be sad. But I do know that that is not right. I am so happy for her.
I turned on some music later and I danced with the kids and smiled and thought that I need to do this more often. I used to. As I've grown I have become more selfish of my time when it should have been the other way around. The time was slipping away and the kids were put in bed. And again I look back on the day and the impatience, the love, the joy, the sadness, the frustrations, the laughter, the anger, the selfishness, the peace that I felt. So many mixed up emotions in a 24 hour day, it really could have been any day. But it wasn't. It was Kennedy's sixth angel day and she was my amazing little girl and someday I am going to know the person that she will become and she will remember the person that I am, good and bad, and I can't wait!
