Already SICK of winter...

And it isn't because of the weather. In fact today was a gorgeous 77 degrees outside...California is in fact great for that! Though we didn't get to enjoy it because we are SICK!

These are the totals so far:

Harrison Mckinley

1 ear infection 1 ear infection

1 runny nose 1 runny/Constantly dripping nose

1 bad wet cough 1 really bad wet cough

2 days fever up to 103.5 5 days fever average 102+

2 throwing up throwing up (I lost count)

lungs-okay but iffy lungs--bad in right lung

1 trip to the doctor 2 trips to the doctor

1 z pack (antibiotics) 1 z pack (antibiotics)

Diarrhea (thanks to the z pack)

You know all this would be okay, really I wouldn't mind because it is the middle of October and kids get sick but the real problem is THIS ALL HAPPENED IN THE LAST 5 DAYS!!!

Okay, no buddy need read on but I just need to vent. Okay so most people get a virus right? Well, yeah the have a fever for a day, cough for a couple days, maybe have a runny nose for a couple days too. MY kids get sick and they get THAT! Why? I really try so hard to keep them away from sickness and do what I can at home, washing hands, try to keep them apart, try and eat healthy, ect...

And I look back and really it would be okay to be sick and do all that. The problem today was This: Okay, so we get the medicine and spend $60 dollars in gatorade/cough drops/vitamins/medicines to try and get them feeling well. So I start to give Mckinley her 1 ml of med. Instantly throws it up. I stop, wait and hour feed her wait and try another 1 ml and she keeps it down. Then I wait and try the last 1ml, throws it up. Call the doctor...she needs it, try and re dose her, gave types on what to do, blah blah, and so I try again. I give 0.5 ml, throws it up, give .3 ml throws it up, don't give any and throws who knows what up...question...when there is nothing to throw up WHY DO WE KEEP THROWING UP!

Anyway you get the idea. By the end of the day I had had it but was dealing with it until I try to give Harrison some tylenol and he...THROWS IT UP! How do you explain to a 4 year old that the reason why you yelled at the ceiling and kicked (the other one, not the one he is sitting on) the chair is NOT because you are mad at him but you are just so utterly frustrated you can't keep it inside anymore?

And believe it or not but it's not the throwing up that I'm having a hard time with, it's the THROWING UP MEDICINE that I can't handle anymore!! EVERYtime I just think about giving Kennedy her oral chemo at home right by the front door, try and blow in her face to make her swallow it and not spit in out and then literally run out the front door into the cold air to shock her into not thinking about the horrible thing I just dumped down her, so she wouldn't throw it up OR pass out because she would stop breathing. I don't even know how to continue with this train of thought.

Maybe its not even that. Maybe I just can't handle when I am trying so hard to do something for them that they need and would help them and it just isnt' working not matter what I do. No tricks were helping me today, and believe me I used them, and they would even work for Kennedy.

Really I think the thing that made me so upset was before I gave Harrison his medicine, I had set Mckinley down for a second after trying to keep some more medicine down and had walked in the kitchen. I was supprised that she even let me put her down because she really hadn't a lot of the day. I didn't hear anything but I turn around and there she was, standing there in her diaper because I was sick of changing her clothes after she threw up. She just stood there and looked at me, to tired to even protest any more and just started gagging. I have never seen her lost all energy, so listless, so void of life before.

Worry.

Worry.

That is what did it I realize. I scooped her up, and held her tight, got her slowly ready for bed, gave her an extra squeeze, made her as comfortable as I could, and nursed her to sleep.

And here I go. I have a hard time sharing how I really feel. This is why I usually can't vent on here. Because when I'm finally done. When I finally realized why I feel the way I do I feel so guilty. I feel so selfish. I just spend so much energy getting mad and angry and frustrated when I, yes I am SO INCREDIBLE BLESSED. I HAVE two beautiful, wonderful, huggable little creations HERE that I can take care of. I am able to be home with them and wipe their runny noses, and clean up after them when they are sick, and take them to the doctor when they need it....I can go on and on and on. But I am just so grateful for them. So. Grateful.

And the only reason why I'm still up and doing this is because I was waiting for the laundry (of thrown up things...) to be done to switch...and don't even get me started on THAT!