shattered...

Strange name for a post but that is really how I felt for a moment today...

[postnote.. I wasn't going to publish this after i wrote it because I feel so much better, but i spent time writing it so you can skip it if you want to, this is a journal for me...]

Mckinley has been doing so well, has started rolling all around the place this past week, is 5 months now and just seeming like a normal baby! We had another heart apt. this afternoon and I wasn't really that nervous for because she has just done so well. We got there unrushed at the perfect time. Harrison as roaring at her and making her laugh really hard in the waiting room, making her get the hiccups, and making my mouth turn up as well feeling so happy with my two little ones. She was then weighed and measured, my cute chubby 14 pounder had gained 2 pounds :)!

We then went into have her echo done and I sat Harrison down, we wrapped up Mckinley so she couldn't move her arms while the tech started the echo. Harrison was playing with one of their toys and I gave him a fruit by the foot to keep him happy/busy while I focused on singing Mckinley Old McDonald and keeping her happy. Everything was going well...when the tech said, "okay, lets leave her there I am just going to get the cardiologist real fast to check something..."

that sinking feeling

********FLASHBACK*******

~October 26, 2004, tues night, nearing 1am in the morning, Ryan and I standing next to Kennedy while she is strapped to the CT scan and the tech comes out and says to the nurse, "Why don't you come in here for a minute, [to us] why don't you wait here for a moment..."

that sinking feeling

moments later (or was it years) we were waiting in Kennedy's room, the doctor came in and said, "why don't you come with me to another room...(we follow along)..."...we found a tumor in her brain..."

that sinking feeling

~May 30, 2005, we were waiting next to Kennedy as she lay in her bed at the hospital after her MRI, the doctor came in...the doctor never comes in, its always the nurse...he brings us into his office and shows us the MRI and points out ALL the tumors, going throughout her brain, going down her spine...

that sinking feeling

~October 2008, Ryan and I are sitting watching our new little one swim around inside me on the screen, we are not finding out what we are having this time, we want it to be a surprise. I have them make sure the brain is there and there are arms and legs and a spine...things are taking longer, the tech says, "I just can't get a good look the head and the heart, I am going to go get the doctor..."

that sinking feeling

the doctor comes in and find a problem with the heart, we are sent to the specialist and find she will need surgery, BUT she will be okay.

All these thoughts went through my head today as now the doctor is rechecking and double checking and now Harrison is crying because they took the toy away because he dropped it twice, Mckinley is screaming and nothing is helping, while I'm praying that everything will be fine, I am panicking (internally of course) and trying to decifer what the doctor and tech are talking about, while I'm thinking of these things as well as how I must have not been doing all that I am supposed to be doing, how now the miracle of her health has been taken away and as I look into her eyes I think, "...I could loose you..." and for a moment I almost broke.

But then the doctor pulled us in the room and said that everything was okay! I said well what was the problem in there? what were you trying to find? he said that the tech got some numbers that they didn't like and they found what they needed. There is a spot that they are watching because it might potentionally need surgery earlier but at this point it is okay and looks fine, we just need to keep watching.

ahhhhh, relief!! WHY could they not have just said that in the room instead of sitting there worrying over something and panicking their patients mommy ???!! Anyway, after all my drama that probably lasted only 15 minutes I was spent, but EXTREMELY greatful that it looks fine.

So I got in the car and I needed to keep my mind off of the whole incident so I turn on some music and the first song that I hear (is kind of ironic becasue it's actually on my blogs playlist) is the chorus to Shattered, "...How many times can I break before I shatter..." and that is exactly how I felt at that moment in there...so much for forgetting about it...so I put my sunglasses on while I drove home (and it wasn't because it was sunny ouside).

Thanks for letting me vent...I needed it! But I am better and she is okay!! and we don't have to go in for 4 months :)!!